Emotionless
by Son Akito
Summary: During the past seven years of Goku's death, Gohan tries to move on, and some of his feelings start to change as he grows. ***Song Fic*** ***One Shot***


Hello, this is my 2nd one shot song fic. It is off Good Charlotte and the song is called "Emotionless". Now it's in first person. I hope that you can understand it, I like it, I hope you do to.   
  
I just got the Good Charlotte cd, and I must say I love it. So I'm using two of their songs for my stories, this one, and Hidden Bars. I wrote this while I was grounded from the Internet, and all my other stories' chapters are already written. I do hope you enjoy this one shot, and tell me how I did.   
  
I don't own Dragonball Z or the song Emotionless, but if I did, I would have more then two bucks in my wallet.   
  
PS Just to let you know, I had to re-space this...not fun.  
  
*thinking *   
  
~How many years and months it was ago~   
  
-----------------   
The song   
-----------------   
  
****** = switching to a different place   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
"Emotionless"   
  
-----------------------   
Hey dad   
I'm writing to you   
Not to tell you that   
I still hate you   
-----------------------   
  
~7 years since the Cell Games~   
  
It has been seven years, seven years since you died dad. How I remember that day so well. How I felt when you disappeared out of my life forever.   
  
How you left us dad. How you left us and said you were never coming back. You never will understand the pain of those words you said to me.   
  
They are the words that haunt me most at night.   
  
You did it to run away didn't you? You couldn't handle peace so you destroyed what only peace I had. You didn't have to hear them cry father. You couldn't even hear me cry. It's sad, in a twisted kind of way.  
  
I watch the stream run. The wind dancing in my hair as I watch nature acts. I am watching things die and things reborn. In a way, I was reborn, I became something that I didn't know I could have become after all these years without you.   
  
With all the pain.   
And betray.   
Along with the sadness   
That became tears.   
  
My life without you father was hard. All the pain in these last, long, seven years is something that neither you nor I had ever faced. But the sad story of the tale is, I have faced it.   
  
-----------------------   
Just to ask you   
How you feel   
And how we fell Apart   
How this fell Apart  
-----------------------   
  
~Seven Years Ago~   
  
"And that's it mom."   
  
I said as I saw my mother's face the pain she went threw all the years came out that night.   
  
I never seen mother cry like that. I thought she was strong enough to hold tears. But I never seen her so weak and helpless.   
Who could blame her though, her husband died, thanks to her only son.   
  
I played with her, I kneed down and hugged her, telling her that it will be alright. Though, I wanted to be the one crying that night.   
  
Grandpa said nothing, he sat there, watching what only family of his cry. Feeling pity for this little family before him, crying for the man that always smiled, who always saved the Earth, who was gone. Grandpa cried as well, but I know he was trying to hold it in for mother and me.   
  
I knew that he wanted to be strong for me. Yet when he broke down into a cry, I knew that I had to try to be the strong one. Though, I didn't know how long I would last.   
  
-----------------------   
Are you happy Out there in this   
Great wide world   
Do you think about Your sons   
Do you miss your Little girl   
------------------------   
  
~6 years 10 months Ago~   
  
I heard yelling, as I shot my head up from my studies and run down the stairs to see what was the matter with my mother. I'm scared as I keep on running to her room and I bust down the door.   
  
"What is it?"   
  
She looks up at me with hurtful eyes, knowing how I would react. Having some form of power that knew what I would say, knew what I would do. I saw it in her eyes, those hurtful eyes.   
  
"I'm...2 months pregnant."   
  
My eyes widen more then they were before. As tears started falling from my young cheeks. This couldn't be happening. Mom, being pregnant. And the worst thing was, this new baby didn't have a father. This child's angel of a father died, thanks to this child's demon of a brother. If only I listened to him, then dad will be here.   
  
"How can..."   
  
I was crying so much that I couldn't even talk. It's all my fault. Mom gets up and tries to walk up to me, but I start to back up slowly. My face red from the news. I am shaking all over, this is my fault, my fault that dad could never see his child.   
  
I run.   
  
------------------------   
When you lay your Head down   
How do you sleep At night   
Do you even Wonder if we're Alright   
We're alright ------------------------   
  
~5 Years Ago~   
  
"Gohan, please stop."   
  
I can't, I can't help this feeling that is in my heart. Father is dead, and it's my fault. It's my fault Goten doesn't have a father. My fault that my mom was just crying for him.   
  
"It's my fault, it's my fault! FATHER!"   
  
I see the flashback of the Cell Games run in my head once again. This nightmare that I keep on revisiting. That keeps on laughing at me. Point, shouting that if I only killed Cell. I had the power to do such a thing. I could have done it. I could have saved the Earth without more people dying. But did I, no, and know I am haunted by my little brother.   
  
"It's not your fault Gohan stop it."   
  
I'm shaking, as the visions enter my mind once again, I see his smile, I see the way he is proud of me. And yet, look what I did to him. He's dead. I can't handle it...   
  
"Gohan..."   
  
Mom and I look up as my brother shout my name once again. Laughing at my name, smiling, enjoying life. We both stop what we are doing and look at the perfect soul in front of us.   
  
Just like dad.   
  
------------------------   
We're alright   
It's been a long hard Road  
without you By my side   
Why weren't you there The nights that we cried   
You broke my Mother's heart   
You broke your Children for life   
It's not OK But we're alright   
-------------------------   
  
~4 years ago~   
  
I walk into the kitchen from work. All the money that we had was now was gone, and I had to work with the local farmers to make money.   
  
"Hi Gohan, how was work."  
  
I only answer her with a sigh. I'm tired from work. Everyday I wake up, study for a little bit before going to work, working for eight to ten hours, come home, eat, and study before going to bed.   
  
I don't talk anymore, how can I? What a fool I have been. Everyone is asking to help us. How shameful is that? I can't always turn to them, not any more. I have to work, so mom can take care of Goten, and so Goten and mother can eat. I want to be the man of the house so badly. I don't care about myself any more, I can't, I have so much to take care of.   
  
"Gohan, don't go to work tomorrow."   
  
I look up at mom as she slams down a plate, staring at me.   
  
"It's my job to take care of you. Your working too much son, your going to get..."   
  
"NO!"  
  
I yell standing up from my chair as tears begin to fall.   
  
"I can't! If dad was here maybe I would listen to you, but he's not. Because of me... Don't you understand that the least I can do is take his place... I have... to take care of you."   
  
Mom runs up to me and hugs me, I sense Goten peaking in, wondering what all the noise is about. Mom starts to cry.   
  
"Don't you understand? Do you even remember your father taking care of us though out all the years? It is his fault he's dead, and I don't want you to cry about it any more. It's been 3 years, act your age for once."   
  
I can't listen to her, I can't, I have to do this. I have to make sure my little brother is taken care of. I have to make sure that he and mom live a peaceful life.   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
Mom and I look down at Goten, who runs up to us and hugs are legs.   
  
"Stop crying, stop making lots of noise."   
  
Goten begins to cry as mom picks him up and hugs him. I close my eyes and look away, I can't handle it.   
-------------------------   
I remember the days   
When you were a   
Hero in my eyes   
But those are just a   
Lost memory of mine   
I spent so many years   
Learning how to survive   
Now I am writing to let   
You know that   
I'm still Alive   
---------------------------   
  
~3 Years Ago~   
  
I run into the woods this cold night. It's been four years since dad died, and I'm feeling these new feelings I have never felt before. This feeling that I hate. I trip over a rock, and I lay there. Crying. I pull my body into a ball and shut my eyes. I'm so sad, I'm so scared, I so don't understand.   
  
I sense Piccolo looking at me, and I get up as fast as I can. I back away a little, trying not to look at Piccolo. He knows how hard this is for me. He knows the pain I feel. Just somehow, he knows.   
  
"Are you going to be alright?"   
  
I shot my head up, Piccolo has never asked me such a question before. I don't answer it, I'm not sure how to. I'm not use to it.   
  
"Tell me Gohan, how do you feel?"   
  
I bit my lip and look away. Piccolo sighs.   
  
"Your doing too much, tell me how you feel Gohan. How do you feel about today?"   
  
"I...hate him..."   
  
I hiss threw my teeth, I didn't mean to say that, but I did.   
  
"Why did he leave Piccolo? Why did he leave me with all this shit I go threw. I hate him for it Piccolo. I hate his guts! I...hate crying..."   
  
I start to cry, this must be the new feeling I feel, hate. I hate my father for this first time in my life.   
  
And I regret it.   
  
---------------------------   
The days I spent   
Were so cold   
So hungry   
Were full with hate   
I was so angry   
The scars run deep Inside this tattooed body   
There's things I'll take To my grave   
But I'm OK  
I'm OK   
--------------------------   
  
~2 years and 9 months ago~   
  
I peak into the living room, watching my mom. She's crying, again. I feel a deep sadness inside of me as I watch her. She's so lonely, I truly understand why she cries. Today, is the first time, I know why she cries, because she is lonely for dad.   
"I hate the way you cry."   
  
Mom shots her head up and looks at me. Surprised that I was watching her. I lean against the wall, my head down.   
  
"And it's because of him."   
  
"Gohan?"  
  
My mom asked, standing up from where she was sitting. I put my hands into my pockets, still keeping my head down.   
  
"Why...Why do I hate him mom?"   
  
I look at my mother, with tears in my eyes.   
  
"I hate him, and I hate myself for it. I hate seeing and feeling this mom. Help me stop crying."   
  
Yet I knew, she couldn't help.  
  
--------------------------   
It's been a long hard  
Road without you   
By my side   
Why weren't you there   
The nights that we cried   
You broke my Mother's heart   
You broke your Children for life   
It's not OK   
But we're alright   
I remember the days   
When you were a Hero in my eyes   
But those are just a   
Lost memory of mine   
----------------------------   
  
~1 year and 11 months ago~  
  
It's way to out of hand. I'm watching Goten cry now, for dad. I have no feelings for him now. I hate the name Son. It's shameful to have his last name. I don't talk at all any more. So many feelings of this run threw me. It's so unbearable that I can't breathe anymore.   
  
Goten just found out that daddy died. Mom told him, he asked and she told him. I wonder if he will ever look at me. I wonder if he will understand. I hate myself because Goten is crying over that man.   
  
I failed at my job, I couldn't become the best father-figure that I wanted to be. I can never compare to that man.   
  
I bow my head, crying along with Goten. I want to end this all right now. I want to end my life so Goten wouldn't ever look at me again. I want to end it so I don't feel this pain. I want to end it so I wouldn't have to cry anymore.   
  
Today is the day.   
  
I walk into the bathroom to find a blade. I look deeply into it, I know that I must do this now. I take the blade and cut my wrist.   
  
I watch the blood pour. I never knew there was so much blood inside of me. It's relaxing, it's the death for me.   
  
"GOHAN!"   
  
I hear my mother scream out my name and I look up at it. I can't talk, I can't talk any more. It would be best if I went without saying a word. I sense four powers coming this way, Piccolo, Krillin, Vegeta, and Dende. There going to try to save me again, but this time, they can't.   
  
---------------------------------   
Now I am writing to let   
You know that I'm still Alive   
And sometimes, I forgive   
Yeah and this time I'll admit   
That I miss you Said I miss you   
---------------------------------   
  
*I'm coming to you now father. *   
  
I fall from the floor, and about to lose it. Now I can go to the other world, and say hi.   
  
"Big Brother?"   
  
I feel Goten running up to me, hugging me, crying into me.   
  
"Daddy left me, I don't want you to leave me."  
  
Goten keeps on crying as the others run up the stairs and into the bathroom.   
  
"I love you Gohan..Put your blood back in."   
  
I smile at Goten, now that one made me laugh. I open my eyes to look at my brother. I see, how upset he is, he looked like me so many years ago. When dad died, when I cried.   
  
"Gohan!"  
  
I hear the rest of the group, but I don't say anything. I look at Goten. And for some reason I learned, it's okay to cry.   
"Dende, heal Gohan."  
  
I hear Piccolo say, as I feel each eye on me that day. Vegeta is keeping my mom away from me, I can here her cry, the worst I have ever heard.  
  
------------------------------   
It's been a long hard Road   
without you By my side   
Why weren't you there   
The nights that we cried   
You broke my Mother's heart   
You broke your Children for life   
It's not OK   
But we're alright   
------------------------------   
  
Dende runs up to me, as I feel myself slipping into the next world. For some reason, I don't ever want to see my father again, and I begin to fight it.   
  
I see my life play before my eyes, when I was born, when I named myself, when I flew threw a tree, Garlic Jr., Radiz, Vegeta and Nappa, Tien dying, Piccolo dying to save me. Dad coming back, Dad almost dying, Krillin, Bulma and me on our way to Namek. The fake Namek, the real Namek, meeting Dende, fighting the Ginyu Force, dad coming back, me and Krillin fighting Ginyu in dad's body, granting our wishes by the dragon. Fighting Frieza, dad coming back, dad throwing the spirit bomb, Krillin dying, Dad turning super saiyan. Fighting Frieza again, going back to Earth, the dragon granting more wishes. Watching mom cry, Trunks fighting Frieza and his father, dad coming back. Training and studying for three years, the Androids coming, dad holding me back when Piccolo almost died, seeing Piccolo and Tien alive, training with dad in the room of spirit and time. Turning super saiyan, seeing everyone when we got out, those nine days before the Cell Games, dad fighting Cell, me fighting Cell. Everyone getting beat up by the Cell Jrs., turning super saiyan two, fighting Cell, dad dying, beating Cell, flashbacks of the last 6 years.   
  
I never knew how many times I cried, just seeing all that I want to die, so I would not feel any of that.   
  
Dende came just in time, I was about to die. He talks to me, but I can't hear him any more. Then, I feel this warm light coming to me, and my body feels alive again. Yet, I'm afraid to see what's going to happen when I do wake up.   
  
"Gohan, your fine, open your eyes."   
  
I obey what I hear and open my eyes. I look at everyone relived faces. I'm not sure what I can say, I look around me to find myself sitting in my own blood.   
  
"How could you?"   
  
I look up to see my mother punch me in the face. I fall into the ground as mom begins to hit me repeatedly.   
  
"How dare you try to leave me Gohan."   
  
I can't react, mom keeps on beating me, I hear the others yell, and getting mother off me.  
  
"Calm down Chi-chi."   
  
Krillin said as I look down at the ground, I hear crying coming from her. Without looking, I hug her.   
  
"I'm sorry mom..Forgive me?"   
  
I cry on my mother, as the rest of them look down at me.   
  
"Gohan."   
  
Goten hugs me as he cries on me. Mother is shocked to see her sons, crying, for what seems the first time in their lives. mother grabs my neck and starts to cry on me. We cry, and it hurts us all inside, yet, we know, that it will be alright.   
  
And that it's okay to cry. Even if it's for your father.   
  
-----------------------------   
I remember the days   
When you were a Hero in my eyes  
But those are just a   
Lost memory of mine   
Now I am writing just   
To let you know that   
I'm Still alive   
-------------------------------   
  
~7 years since the Cell Games~  
  
I have hated you for a long time dad. I'm not sure when it started or how it started. I just wish you were here, so we don't have to feel the pain we feel each day without you. You only can look at us threw pictures, yet, I wish it was with your own eyes.   
  
I think, that today, that I know that I am bless. I have my family and friends, and that is all that matters. I don't think I hate you any more father. The wind whispers to me, and it makes me smile. Something is making me happy, happy that I am alive, and that I'm happy that I didn't die that day. I still have the scar from the day I wanted to die, and it keeps on reminding me. It's okay to cry. And tears come out of my adult eyes.   
  
"Gohan, why are you crying?"   
  
I look behind me to find Goten, looking up at me.   
  
"Mom told me that this day makes you sad."  
  
I shake my head, as I turn back into the sky, looking for anything written in the clouds. But I find nothing, and it doesn't surprise me.   
  
"Are you going to be alright Gohan?"   
  
I turn around and look down at my young brother, and I smile, shaking my head.   
  
"You know what Goten, I think that I am okay."  
  
------------------------   
And sometimes I forgive   
Yeah this time I'll admit   
That I miss you   
I miss you   
------------------------   
  
******** Inside a crystal ball, Son Goku watches his sons walk away together. It has been seven years since he had left them. Goku got the message that his son was sending him. He has forgiven him for leaving. For this first time, this saiyan finally realized that it, maybe, wasn't the right thing to put the Earth before his family. But it was too late to return to them now. So all he could do was to watch them grow up, and hope that they will all forgive him someday.   
  
Goku couldn't help to smile though, whipping his tears away.   
*I'll meet you again one day, Gohan. *   
-----------------------   
Hey dad   
-----------------------   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Well, there you go! It's not that long, but oh well. I hope you enjoyed this story. This was just something I wrote when I was bored, so hope you liked it! I mainly hope none of you got confused, with the different times and stuff. Please review   
~*~super-saiyan-monkey~*~ 


End file.
